Brooklyn, NY — Weary of the never-ending influx of writers, Brooklyn has finally said, "Enough."
A moratorium on new authors passed the Borough Council unanimously and goes into effect at the end of the month.
"They're everywhere!" complained Edith Wharton. "You can't walk out your door without tripping over one. We should build a wall. And make them pay for it."
Ralf Halfcalf, owner of Cuppa Java agrees. "They're in here the whole damn day—on their laptops—and they buy one lousy decaf-skinny-mocha-capp. Buncha cheapskates, y'ask me."
Where once Brooklynites saw a rich diversity on their sidewalks and in their neighborhoods, they now see drab monotony—an endless parade of skinny jeans, plaid shirts, and vintage Keds.
Not everyone is happy about the new ban. When asked how it might affect her personally, Brooklyn author Irma Vepp sounded distresed. "So… yeah. It's like… you, know, like… so WEIRD??" —her anxiety painfully evident in her pronounced upspeak.
Bella Ziplock, borough president, seemed almost apologetic. "Really, I've met some of them, and they seem decent enough. But there's been a lot of pressure—we just can't take in any more of them."
Cherie Belle Korteks, special to City Examiner
and LitLovers.
| Authors Battle for November Contest |
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Feb. 28, 2016: Greenville, NC— |
November is when the coveted NATIONAL BOOK AWARDS are announced. This year stakes are high with tempers running even higher. Never this bad "I've never seen it get this nasty," said Reagan Eagan, awards jurist. "Authors typically behave with greater decorum." True. Still, it's hard not to feel a twinge of guilty pleasure listening to these Olympiads sling their polished insults. Charge of elitism One debate had best- selling AUTHOR Bernie Sandbag calling rival Hillary Clinchpin a sellout. "You don't give a hoot for the average reader," Sandbag said. All you care about is Goldman Smacks. |
Emails Tedino Cruz chimed in that people are a lot more interested in Hillary's emails than her books. "Pipe down," Tedino. Nobody likes you," Hillary said. "Even your editors don't like you." Their novels "OMG!" said one book critic. "This beats any of their novels. The language is poetic ... the characters so believable. Another critic agreed: "No one could write this stuff. No one would even try." Fronta Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers. |
| Top Authors Admit to Drug Use |
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 Drugs Wreaking Havoc New York, NY— Bestselling author Ken Fowlett's latest—the fourth volume of his new trilogy—exceeds 2,200 pages. "I've never felt so good," chirped Fowlett. "I've got cleaner key strokes and more staying power than ever before." Fowlett isn't alone. Dozens of celebrity authors—joining their peers in sports—have turned to performance-enhancing drugs to increase their output. No Sweat An unnamed New York editor said the drugs enable authors "to pound out longer and longer sentences—without breaking a sweat." "The result," she said, "is stupefyingly longer books." |
A question of quality Yale's Harold Bloom spoke for many when he raised the question of length vs.quality. "Longer is not necessarily better,"he said in his typically cryptic fashion. Authors defensive "That's grossly unfair," said best selling author Donna Tartly. "We're giving readers a hell of a lot more than they pay for. They're lucky, damn lucky." Ms. Tartly's latest, "The Goldfish," came in at 2,600 pages. Supersized books "We used to think of Jim Michener as excessive," said Random Haus CEO Don Doubleknopf. "Now we consider his books quaint novellas. Worried publishers The publishing world is concerned about a public backlash. |
"It's ironic," said Gordon Gorden, a marketing director at Simon & Shooter. "Books are getting longer just as attention spans are getting shorter." "Some of us worry that readers have already parked the car at Twitter," he said. Fronta Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers. |
