The Big Lie: Motherhood, Feminism, and the Reality of the Biological Clock
Tanya Selvaratnam, 2014
Prometheus Books
370 pp.
ISBN-13: 9781616148454
Summary
A candid assessment of the pros and cons of delayed motherhood.
Biology does not bend to feminist ideals and science does not work miracles. That is the message of this eye-opening discussion of the consequences of delayed motherhood. Part personal account, part manifesto, Selvaratnam recounts her emotional journey through multiple miscarriages after the age of 37. Her doctor told her she still "had time," but Selvaratnam found little reliable and often conflicting information about a mature woman's biological ability (or inability) to conceive.
Beyond her personal story, the author speaks to women in similar situations around the country, as well as fertility doctors, adoption counselors, reproductive health professionals, celebrities, feminists, journalists, and sociologists. Through in-depth reporting and her own experience, Selvaratnam urges more widespread education and open discussion about delayed motherhood in the hope that long-lasting solutions can take effect.
The result is a book full of valuable information that will enable women to make smarter choices about their reproductive futures and to strike a more realistic balance between science, society and personal goals. (From the publisher.)
Author Bio
• Birth—N/A
• Where—Sri Lanka
• Raised—Long Beach, California, USA
• Education—B.A., M.A., Harvard University
• Currently—Cambridge, Massachusetts; New York, New York
Born in Sri Lanka and raised in Long Beach, CA, Tanya Selvaratnam is a writer, producer, theater artist, and activist. As a producer, recent projects include Mickalene Thomas’s Happy Birthday to a Beautiful Woman (on HBO); the Rockefeller Foundation-funded MADE HERE; Catherine Gund’s What’s On Your Plate? (Discovery’s Planet Green), and Chiara Clemente’s Beginnings (Sundance Channel, Webby Award).
Since 2008, she has been the Communications and Special Projects Officer for the Rubell Family Collection. As an activist, she has worked with the Ms. Foundation for Women, the Third Wave Foundation, the NGO Forum on Women, and the World Health Organization. She received her graduate and undergraduate degrees in Chinese language and history from Harvard University. (From the author.)
Visit the author's website.
Visit Tanya on Facebook.
Book Reviews
Producer and activist Selvaratnam, a self-defined casualty of the second-wave feminist idea that biology should not define destiny, responds with a provocative mix of solid information and palpable anger.… This wakeup call…is controversial, but few would argue with Selvaratnam’s suggestion that women get the facts before making family-planning decisions.
Publishers Weekly
Set aside the "mommy wars." This work is for the women who have been left out of the discussion until now.… Many will cheer on Selvaratnam’s ultimate points. Sure to invite discussion among feminists.
Library Journal
She’s intelligent (she’s a Harvard grad), passionate (she’s a feminist and activist), and artistic (she’s a documentary and theater producer). And she wants to share her hard-won wisdom so that young women in the future don’t make the same mistakes she did.
Booklist
In The Big Lie: Motherhood, Feminism and the Reality of the Biological Clock Tanya Selvaratnam presents her own story of “heartbreak and self-discovery” relative to her attempts to become a mother at the relatively advanced age of 40 after having experienced three miscarriages. She notes that women tend not to talk among themselves about failed pregnancies, and overall women are not “conditioned to feel the urgency of fertility.… The message repeated throughout this and later chapters is that women need to have much more information about their fertility and its limitations.… [Tanya] is to be applauded by her attempt to see the many dimensions of feminism and motherhood
New York Journal of Books
Discussion Questions
1. Given that infertility treatments are much cheaper outside of the United States, what do you think about the decision of many to pursue IVF and surrogacy in other countries?
2. What role should a doctor or gynecologist play with regard to informing patients about fertility over time? What questions should women ask their doctor?
3. What do you think about the conflict between parenthood and career becoming such a hot topic, as seen with the controversy around Anne-Marie Slaughter’s essay “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All” and Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In?
4. Do you feel that feminism contributed to the current bind for women between succeeding at both developing careers and building families? Do you think that feminism can also provide a way forward, and if so, what does that way forward look like? How can we get there?
5. How can we normalize conversations among women about miscarriages, infertility, and reproductive challenges? Does the conversation begin on a macro level (media outlets, celebrities), a micro level (friends, peer groups), or a combination thereof?
6. How can the media have a discussion about the touchy topics of women who focus primarily on careers and those who prioritize family (and whether that dichotomy even exists) without alienating a large segment of its audience? Is there a middle ground of open, intelligent discourse about the subject, and if so, how should media figures work towards finding a balanced tone that supports women in general rather than creating subsets of women to face off against each other?
(Questions courtesy of the author.)