We Fake News

December 14, 2018

In what amounts to a shot across the bow of our closest ally, the U.S. fired off a threat to the U.K. This one is over our common language.

According to Secretary of State Mike Pompous, the U.S. will institute a tariff on British words—hefty enough to discourage them from reaching American shores.

The problem turns on the issue of quality.

"You invented the damn language," said Pompous. "Why can't you learn how to use it?"

The U.K.'s response was forceful but unclear. Prime Minister Theresa Maybe announced her intention to commence a "wah."

"What the hell is a "wah?" Pompous asked? "Are they going to start building a WALL or start a WAR? Even our best interpreters can't figure it out."

Statesmen aren't the only befuddled Americans. Readers, too, have long been confused by writing from across the pond.

Mary Angelica Basquirk, head of the Society of Reading Engagement (SORE), speaks for millions of U.S. readers who despair over British-isms.

"Take the words 'colour' and 'honour'—neither rhymes with 'hour.' So why do they keep the u?" she huffed. "Webster pointed this out 200 years ago, and they still don't get it."

This time it's the Brits who are ready to toss the teabags into the harbor/harbour.

"Well and good," said Hypernia Flavenburst, U.K.'s trade secretary. "No more Jane Austen for Americans. That's it. And they'll have to do without Hardy, the Brontes, and Eliot—George, that is. They can have T.S., but only because he was American."

The BBC weighed in, as well. "If Americans ever think they'll see the likes of Downton Abbey again, more's the pity," said Sir Ian Bonbon, director of licensing. "And believe me: Maggie Smith will never set foot on U.S. telly again."

Given the seriousness of Britain's response, the administration is worried about a voter backlash. A realignment is under consideration.

They'd better hurry though; the new Mary Poppins is about to open her brolly again in theaters/theatres across the country.

Cherie Belle Korteks, special to City Examiner
and LitLovers

August 31, 2018

New York City — In a shocking move today, the book trade called for a 5-DAY READING FAST.

"We've seen the research," said Sara Reed of St. Marty's Press. "Too much reading GUNKS UP the brain. Science, you know."

"Try dumping pancake batter all over your car engine," she said. "It goops up the system so it can't work. It's like that."

The industry is woke. Readers, the experts say, need a DEEP CLEANSE—a halt to reading for 5 days.

When asked if fasting will cut into sales, Pytor Gloverloft, the owner of Kansas City's beloved TOP-SHELF BOOZE & BOOKS, believes readers will return in droves—with a renewed thirst for fiction.

"Readers need a break," he says." We predict they'll begin to read with intensified FOCUS and EMPATHY."

How should readers break their fast? "With JANE AUSTEN, of course!" says Gloverloft. "SMALL SIPS of 18th-century social satire—with a GLASS OF PORT—there's nothing better."
 

Cherie Belle Korteks, special to City Examiner
and LitLovers

May 13, 2018

#MomsAreMad About Books
Tired of being "knocked off" in books May 13, 2018: "We used to get KNOCKED UP. Now we get knocked OFF," said Iva Hadenuf, a 55-year-old mother in Reading, Pa. "Knocked up was way better." Hadenuf is not alone. On Mother's Day, moms around the country TOOK TO THE STREETS to protest their treatment at the hands of authors and publishers. "Authors have been KNOCKING US OFF in novel after novel. We're damn sick of it!" Hadenuf exclaimed. Like wildfire As #MomsAreMad spreads across the country—publishers, politicians, and pundits have been STUNNED by how quickly it's gone viral. "By Jove! This thing's taken off like WILDFIRE," said NBC's Cal Brittlebastion. "My goodness, these gals are over 50! We had NO IDEA they knew what social media was, let alone how to use it," he added.. "Go figure."	A long history Knocking off moms goes back 300 years: to the VERY FIRST novels—at least to the 1700s with Daniel Defoe's Moll Flanders and continuing into the 1800s with Dickens's David Copperfield. The 20th century saw the likes of Anne of Green Gables and Nancy Drew—NO MOTHERS. Solve that, Nancy. Far more recent novels also lack mothers: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, Ahab's Wife, The Goldfinch, I Liked My Life, to name only a handful. Peters smeared Bernadette Peters, star of stage and screen, is #MAM'S most celebrated voice "I've been SMEARED. They didn't just kill me off," steamed Peters. "They turned me into a CHILD DESERTER!"	Peters, of course, is referring to the 2012 bestseller Where'd You Go, Bernadette? "Hell, yes, it's about me!" piped Peters. "Is there any OTHER Bernadette?" Male support Surprisingly, #MAM has drawn support from men. "The sooner they win this thing, the sooner they'll be BACK IN THE KITCHEN," said one man, who wished to remain anonymous. Fronta Loeb, special to The Daily News and LitLovers.

June 19, 2017

Austin, Texas: June 19, 2017 — In a surprise move today, Whole Foods and Amazon announced the takeover of LitLovers.

The acquisition came only days after the organic food chain was bought by Amazon.

"LitLovers fits perfectly in our shopping cart," said Biff Jezos, founder and head of Amazon. "After buying The Washington Post, then Whole Foods, LitLovers makes strategic sense." 

Wall Street positively crowed. "It's the ideal combination of vertical integration and economies of scale," said Janie Diamond, head of P.J. Morgan.

When asked if it was a FRIENDLY or HOSTILE takeover, Molly Lundquist of LitLovers said …

"Biff Jeszos and I are great friends. We both know what its like to start your own business. Besides, what's hostile about $3.5 billion in the bank?"

Alongside books, LitLovers will be adding a new line of pre-cut fruits and vegetables, ideal snacks for sedentary readers. According to Ms. Lundquist …

"Research shows that reading leads to WEIGHT GAIN—I should know. Now we're offering a chance to replace those bags of chips and pints of ice cream with healthy foods. It's a winning synergy."

Cherie Belle Korteks
Special to City Examiner and LitLovers